Everything is Alright... Or Not

A few weeks ago, I faced one of the hardest situations that I have faced in my short time in my classroom. A student threatened to take out his gun and shoot me.

A bit of a backstory is needed here: in my last period, I have this one student named Marcus* that is either super wound up and bouncing off the walls or a complete zombie. I think it's because of his ADD medication (or lack thereof), but I don't have an IEP on him so I can't be sure. Usually, he creates tiny disruptions by laughing or goofing off. I can handle these episodes. What I can't handle is the alternative. Recently he has come in and is groggy and tries to sleep all class period. He is moody and talks back and has a general bad attitude. I wake him up and make him stand or do a wall sit. However, I've found that this just creates more distraction among my students, so I have started moving him to the front and having him stand with me while I teach.

One day, he came in and was rude and completely uncooperative. He laid his head down on the desk as soon as he came in and would not do anything. I told him to get up and walk with me and he resisted. Undeterred, I went to his desk and pulled him up. He freaked out and asked me why I constantly bothering him and being annoying.

"You do not sleep in my class, Marcus. You know this. If you sleep, I wake you up and we walk. Today is no different."

"No, Ms. D. You're the only teacher that makes me work today. No. No, I'm not doing it. Just let me be!"

"Sorry, bud. You know I can't do that. You are wasting my time and the class' time. You can go to the office," I said as I swiftly made my way up to my desk to prepare his write-up for the office.

"No, no, no, Ms. D. You going to write me up for sleeping? No. I'm going to take out my 45 and shoot you on your way home from school. I'm going to just lay rounds into you, Ms. D!" He started shouting more threats and looked near to tears. I wrote him up and told him not to come back. Ten minutes later, he returned to class without his referral. The office had too many write-ups and since it was the end of the day, they just sent him back to class even though he had verbally threatened me in front of the entire class. Thankfully, the class had started working independently and his sudden emission into my class went unnoticed. I set him up with work and placed him outside the door. While outside, I asked him why he reacted the way that he did. He told me that he didn't get a lot of sleep last night because he was "doing business," and that every other teacher had just let him sleep. He didn't understand why I wasn't on this bandwagon.

There are so many things wrong with this scenario. I can't control what my kids do outside of school, but I can try to make them see that school and education are worthwhile. Also, it is incredibly disheartening to know that there were multiple teachers who let Marcus know that his behavior was acceptable. No wonder my school is so backwards! But the most enraging part of the situation is that the office did NOTHING to punish Marcus for threatening me. I know Marcus and I know he would never follow through with his threats, but that does not mean that he can think that he can say things like that and there won't be any repercussions. I really wish that the administration would back me on things like this. It is truly sad to feel unsupported by your principal.

Leaving on a Midnight Train to Kentucky

I came to Mississippi with all of these pipe dreams. I envisioned coming into my classroom and immediately making a difference in the lives of my kids. I am ashamed of how incredible naive I was in my first few weeks. I tried my hardest to instill my great "wisdom" onto these kids; of course, they didn't believe that I was spouting truths. How could they, when they are facing bigger challenges in high school than I have ever faced in my entire life? Within my first week, I was beaten down. I was young and unaware of how the school worked, so my kids took advantage of me. Needless to say, my first weeks as a teacher were not a success. My friends and I joke around saying that the first nine weeks isn't about growth or content- it's simply about surviving! That's how I have felt throughout my time here. I was just going through the motions, trying to keep my head above water.

My feelings finally came to head one day as I looked around my classroom and saw that the vision I had for my classroom was not coming to fruition. At the end of the day, frustrated with my recent failure, I sat and cried at my desk. I honestly didn't know how I was going to continue working at the school. I had pretty much decided that after the end of the nine weeks, I was going to pack up and head back to Kentucky.

Sometimes we get wake-up calls exactly when we need them. After making the (semi) decision that I was leaving, I started talking to one of my students during bus duty every day. We chatted about small stuff, like what she was going to do after school, if she was going to the football game, her family, etc. I learned that she has a two-year old son and I made her promise to bring him to the next game so that I could hold him. She asked for clarification on homework and asked me my opinion about her career plans (RN). One day, she was really quiet. I asked what was wrong and she said that she didn't feel well.

"Oh, did the baby keep you up last night? What a little booger!"
"No, Ms. D. I have cancer."

My heart lurched. One of my babies, sick? No. Not possible. Surely this was a joke, a misunderstanding. But it wasn't. She had been diagnosed mid-August, and was trying to figure out the best course of action.

"Don't worry, Ms. D. I'm still going to keep up with my work and come to school," she assured me.
"Wha... what? You're still going to come, even when you feel crappy?" I was flummoxed. Absenteeism is a norm at my school and though I hold my students in high regard, if ever there was a time to not be at school, this was it.

"Well, yeah. I may not feel too well, but I never want my son to think that he has an excuse to not go to school. I need to get my high school degree. I need to do that for myself. I can't just walk away from that," she said earnestly. "Here's my bus. I'll see you tomorrow, Ms. D.!"

It's crazy how a sixteen-year-old can have more wisdom than an adult. I thought I had been teaching my kids all of these life lessons about college and being career-ready, but here I was about to leave because it was getting too hard. I thought my kids didn't care about their education based on their behavior, but here is this girl who will come to school nauseous and sick and will still have a smile on her face. How could I leave her? I have a one student that cares, and for right now, that's my driving force. Well, Mississippi, I guess I'm staying.

Welcome to the Delta.

It's hard to think that I've been living in Mississippi for a little over five months. Officially, I've been teaching for two and a half months. It is truly amazing at how different life down here in Southern Mississippi is from where I grew up. Being from Kentucky, I thought that I would have no problem adjusting to life in this tiny town. I can't believe how naive I was! I am constantly learning new things about life down here, like there is a bad part of town, and no, you shouldn't go there unless you want to buy drugs. It's amazing that this small town has big city problems and that my kids are embroiled in these issues.

Honestly, I'm just here for my kids. I came into this job because I believe in educational equality, but I'm staying because my kids deserve someone in their corner. This blog is a look into my failures and successes in Mississippi. Welcome to the Delta.